Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
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