This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
