does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
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