Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
