Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
