why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
