best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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