i need an iv and a liver transplant
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
