I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
