She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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