You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
