never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
