I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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