my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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