Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
