There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
