I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Randomize
