How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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