He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
her facebook's as public as her vagina
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
