that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
