i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize