Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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