i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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