I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
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My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
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preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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