if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
