he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
