Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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