I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
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girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
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I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
there is puke in my bra ... again
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