at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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