The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Randomize
