It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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