If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
