Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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