dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
