ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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