I wish my penis had an off switch
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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