If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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