omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
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The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
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that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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