You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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