There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
