i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
