i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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