plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
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Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
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I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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