She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
