roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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