I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
