Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
