walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
