I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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