dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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