If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
