i will never coherently bang her
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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