His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
