He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
