As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
