I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
