She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
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The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
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Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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