Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
