For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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