i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
