You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
