just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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