I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Come on in and take your pants off
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