i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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