Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
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he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
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